


where do you go when my guard's down (where will you go?)

by jaemrenj



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Jealous Lee Jeno, Light Angst, M/M, its barely there tbh, noren r dramatic asf, tldr jeno just loves renjun so much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 23:27:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19030117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemrenj/pseuds/jaemrenj
Summary: “You knocked, so polite, and I let you in. You stayed over, longer than you should’ve and you made a home in me! I tried to get you out, opened the door! But you stayed! You fucking stayed, and you’re still there and I’ve given up trying to make you leave because I don’t even want you to!”





	where do you go when my guard's down (where will you go?)

**Author's Note:**

> noren my heart aches for the both of you. just fess up and hold hands or whatever ugh  
> also sorry my writings BAD bad but i thought abt welcoming it and just trying it anw bc idk where to put all the stuff ive thought abt so to anyone reading this, sorry hahaha
> 
> SORRY AGAIN! the timelines are altered to just satisfy this and idk much abt some of the things that needed specifics khsdjhsjf sorry and yes theyre able to do all that :))))) srry

Jeno thinks about Renjun. Thinks about the way there's a dimple on his right cheek that shows when he ever so much as smiles, all teeth, eyes gone into crinkles and the way the other on his left cheek joins the other on the right that's barely noticeable but endears him when he catches it. He thinks about when he gets into what he's talking about, most times, a conspiracy theory about aliens he's read up online, his mouth forms into a pout and how his eyebrows dance as it morphs into concentration, sometimes fear of the reality of their existence, but always in wonder. He thinks about when they do vocal runs, he beats his heart to shake off the anxiety even after having done this too many times, even after being told how he's doing so well that in no time, he'd be able to hit notes higher than he thought he could.

In short, Jeno thinks about Renjun a lot. Infact, there's a rather large space in his mind that is dedicated to just Renjun. It's also worth noting that that space has this tiny sac that clings to it, still meant for Renjun but not in the way that coincides with its larger counterpart. This smaller space is meant for when he thinks about how Renjun could just be really  _really_ dense or how Jeno just can't have Renjun the way he wants to. How he can't have Renjun looking at him with mirth in the way he looks at Donghyuck, with security in the way he looks at Jaemin, with fondness in the way he looks at Jisung, with familiarity in the way he looks at Chenle and with admiration in the way he looks at Mark.

But it's cool. They've spent too much of a long time for Jeno to have treated the wounding crush he's had for Renjun. Has had time to convince himself what just couldn't be and be comforted by the pain. Doesn't mean he still gets hurt when it's just him alone and these thoughts dizzy him into sadness and longing.

 

"Jeno, have you been listening?" It's their manager who, before Jeno got lost into his own thoughts, was going through with him the schedule he has for today.

Jeno nods, non-committedly, but their manager sees right through it and whacks his head with the single paper in his hands, "I'm gonna be with you anyways, what's the point?" he says before leaving him with the paper.

He takes a look at it only to find out that he's not even busy. Only The Show and a filming for JSMR. And  _oh._ It's with Renjun. 

"So the rumors are true then," he hears his breathing next to him, so painfully close to him, before he sees him, "I really am going to do that ASMR thing with you."

If Jeno ever so much as spares him a glance he's sure he'd be kissing atleast the corners of his lips. But that's not really an option. 

The subject of all the emotions he could muster appears in his line of vision and sits beside him with a thump, "What're we having today?"

"That's still a secret," Jeno tells him, suddenly warm at having Renjun beside him, close and comforting. "Make sure you look your best."

Renjun snorts, shuffles a little to get himself comfortable and it makes Jeno move a little too, "Like we're filming something within the likes of a Youtube Tag-Your-Boyfriend vlog or something."

Jeno melts at the thought that Renjun saw it that way, indirectly implying he's the boyfriend. It warms his cheeks. He and Renjun in a relationship warms him, like it always does when he thinks about it. And he thinks about it all the time.

"Knowing you, you'll probably show a bit of defiance so the last you could do is look your best."

Renjun cooes and sits forward to nudge Jeno by the shoulder but his head stays rested on it, "That's cute of you to remember how much I hate ASMR."

Jeno takes a sharp breath, can smell the mix of jasmine and lavender together, and he sees colors close to a dull and aching red.  _This_ is why his crush grows massive each passing day. Why that space hanging onto the larger space in his mind exists. It's hard to get over Renjun when he's the way that he is and Jeno knows he shouldn't really be looking into it but  _God,_ it feels so good to delude himself into thinking about the possibility of Renjun reciprocating his feelings.

"I'm gonna get my makeup done for The Show. You have enough time to prepare yourself and it better show, Huang."

Jeno stands up, looking down at Renjun non-threateningly, but he likes to think it scares him off in compliance.

There's a small quirk of his lips, something close to a smile although the glint in Renjun's eyes says something else Jeno can't put a finger on, "Oh, i'll get dolled up all prettily for you, Jeno. You'll see."

Jeno leaves before he could even see more what that little quirk and glint could grow into.

 

When he gets back to their company building after The Show, Jeno is dead beat. He so wants to call it a day, can't care if he sleeps with his makeup on or if he sleeps anywhere on the building. There's a ping of his phone and when he reluctantly checks it, he feels himself come back to life. Like how you'd feel when you get this overwhelming sense of purpose.

_**injunnie: omw to you!!!!! 🤘** _

The emoji's so stupid. The languaging is stupid but it plummets straight into his heart.  _Renjun's on his way to me._

The staff tells him to go inside the room and he sees the food already set up, telling him there's another one but it's kept cool for now that Renjun still hasn't arrived yet. He takes a good look of himself in the mirror, wondering if he looks good enough that Renjun might see him in another light. He quickly dismisses it because he knows Renjun won't. Already probable has that reserved for Jaemin. or Donghyuck. or Sicheng, Lucas, Xiaojun. Anyone but him.

When he gets another text from Renjun, telling him again that he's close and an attempt to leech off of him information about the food they're going to eat follows, Jeno ignores it and tells him to  _hurry up!!!!_ He hopes he doesn't sound too excited to be with him because he's suddenly not. It dawns on him then that Renjun's finally guesting on his ment. He just won't be swooping in for cheap cameos. He's actually gonna be  _doing_ one with him. And god, his hands are sweating already and where the fuck is Renjun?

When Renjun arrives, he lets everybody know with a loud but polite greeting before turning to Jeno and making a twirl. Jeno takes it as cue to judge the way he looks.

"You look like you're about to sleep." Jeno deadpans and he supposed he should be proud at how he's not showing any signs of want,  _of need_  but it's really not what he's supposed to say and how he should've said it too. 

He sees the smaller pout, "I dressed to match with you." he faintly mutters beside him but Jeno catches it.

"You look..cozy" 

"You said to look my best and my best  _is_ looking cozy," Renjun says as a matter of factly, "And besides, this is gonna be interpreted as a boyfriend tag vlog regardless so I better just look it."

There it is again, the implication that they're in a relationship. That _he's_ Jeno's boyfriend.

"You're ridiculous."

Renjun does a fake snore, "Tell me more."

But the team catches their attention signalling they're about to start filming soon and even then, Jeno really had nothing more to say.

The shoot ends with ease. The staff applauding them with gratitude at how quickly it went, how they were fun and natural and that the fans would love it. Jeno smiles at all them, chest swelling with pride at how their dynamics is figured out and is being complimented. 

Renjun walks be his side towards the parking lot where their manager waits for them to drive back home, "That was fun, huh"

"Yeah, and you're insufferable."

"I hate ASMR so much," Renjun groans, bumping into him as if to emphasize his hatred, "I couldn't even conceal how I felt about it. I'm pretty sure that'd be made fun of. How I just visibly cringed when I listen to you talk and eat." He cringes again to prove a point.

"But you pulled through," Jeno bumps into him in retaliation, gently, "The fans will love it. It's so... _you_ "

Renjun halts his step to look at him thoughtfully, like he's thinking of something as meaningful as what he's just said, "I wish I brought the leftover corndogs."

Jeno laughs, forgetting what he thought Renjun was about to do. 

 

When the video gets released, Jeno gets a text from Donghyuck which is weird because they all just communicate in the groupchat now. But when he opens the message and read its content, he sees why.

_**fullsun: couldn't even minimize the heart eyes you had them evolve into sickeningly enamoured laughter and giggles? thought so. classic jeno.** _

His crush on Renjun really isn’t a secret. He’s managed to keep it to himself for a good 2 months and that’s a feat for anyone really. With what? 6 boisterous boys who you’ve grown up with baring your all? It’s only inevitable that they start to notice when Jeno stares a little too long, laughs forward to Renjun’s direction and although Jeno isn’t exactly discrete per se, he isn’t exactly obvious too.

There’s a knock on his door and Jeno finds, when he looks up from his phone that it’s just Jaemin, leaning in the doorway frame, a knowing, teasing smile plastered brightly on his face, “You’re so out of it, dude. Like _waaaay_ out of it.”

Jeno groans loudly, not caring if everyone hears him. He really hopes he’s not getting any comment from everyone about how the video represented him because he really can’t have them rubbing it in his face how much he likes Renjun.

There’s a small laugh from Jaemin when he says breakfast’s ready and when Jeno watches him leave, he takes out his phone again and scrolls through his notification panel and there he sees it, the thumbnail of the video already giving away too much of what he feels for the boy. It already tells him how badly it must’ve shown that he likes Renjun because hell, he was _in_ it! And being with Renjun doesn’t require him to conceal anything, doesn’t allow him to give his actions a second though, just doing as he pleases because that’s how he is with Renjun. What he has for him can’t really be trickled down at this point. Can’t be slowed, can’t be hushes. And besides, it gets unnoticed anyways so what even is the point of hiding it.

He debates whether or not he should watch it. His arguments for not watching it; he’s in it. He basically knows what’s gonna happen. His argument for watching; his sick curiousity of observing himself act around Renjun in an outsider’s perspective. The latter argument won and so, he takes his earpods and plays the video, watching it until the very end.

Fuck. He really is so far gone for Renjun.

 

“Did you see our video?”

“I was in on it Renjun, I don’t have to see it.” Jeno lies smoothly, taking a seat across him. Everyone’s finished with their breakfast, he concludes. Renjun’s slept in again. You can’t really not notice how his hair is just all over the place. And because Jeno watched the video first, he’s left alone with Renjun to eat their breakfast.

“ _I_ was in on it and _I_ watched.” Renjun points out, stabbing the bacon with his fork to bring it up to his moth, “Told you they’d see it as a boyfriend tag”

 _Boyfriend._ Renjun really has to stop saying that while making implications that they are.

“What did you think?”

“I hate ASMR,” Renjun cringes again and Jeno rolls his eyes at his being passionate about his hatred for ASMR, “But I could tolerate it if it’s with you. Just a little”

Jisung pauses behind Renjun, looking at Jeno in a really bemused way. If Jeno looks closely enough, he could see something like pity along with it too.

 

The RJSMR happened almost 2 weeks ago and yet, from time to time, it gets brought up by Renjun himself, claiming to have just watched it everytime he makes a comment about it.

_“You really thought you could trick me into drinking coke and sprite together, huh?”_

_“I didn’t cringe a lot and that’s embarrassing for me, a bonafide anti-ASMR enthusiast.”_

_“You had me complying to you fattening me up. I can’t believe it took just one look from you! Was I sleep deprived that time? How could I let that happen..”_

And it gets to Jeno. Makes him confused, wants to ask him why has he watched it too many times than Chenle and Jisung watching their own ment. Makes his heart tinge a little with pain when Renjun comments about how Jeno’s really good with this, how he’s glad he did it with him. Makes him hate the way Renjun really has no idea what his effects on Jeno are. But he can’t act on it. One, because it’s not Renjun’s fault he doesn’t know about how, Two, Jeno is so stupidly and maddeningly inlove with him.

 

The day starts with an announcement from their manager about a wedding invitation from the company’s choreographer who’s made some of their excruciating but powerful performances. Everyone is  buzzing with excitement especially because they’re told that for once, all units are gonna be together. Their hyungs from 127 and even the members from their China unit, WayV. The groupchat is wild, most of the messages are sent in capslock and Jeno scrolls through some that he’s overlooked with the influx of messages, not wanting to miss anything. He realizes soon, when he lingers onto a message, that he should’ve just scrolled past some.

**_xiaojun: renjun!!! i cant wait to see you!!! lucas thinks you’ve gotten taller than i am which i told him is impossible but he’s put so much faith on your growth spurts he’s turned it into a BET! and so far.. you rlly only have lucas._ **

**_renjun: so that explains why i dreamt abt marrying lucas. i woke up grossed out but i see it now._ **

**_lucas: huang! u better make me proud and wear the shoes i bought you with THE insoles_ **

**_sicheng: I BETTED ON YOU TOO INJUN!_ **

**_Renjun: haven’t thought abt polygamy but i guess i could marry you too ge~_ **

****

Jeno stops from reading more of the conversation he wished has died down. He feels the sudden need to breathe. Like, _breathe_ breathe because he just can’t find it in himself to. His emotions have taken up the space in his lungs where the air should be, dying to get out and there’s no way Jeno’s letting it. He won’t breathe if it meant the feelings stay contained. His hands shake and he can feel the wetness in his eyes even when he clamps it shut to stop it from falling and making it stop hurt. So he runs to his room and covers his face with a pillow too big it swallows his cries of anguish. He’s so stupid for having caught an emotion so intense for a group member everyone also adores. He’s even more stupid for never really trying to tame it, allowing it to roam free and not taking seriously the consequences upon doing so. And _god,_ was he so inlove and so heartbroken at the same time.

When he wakes up, its to the face of Renjun whose eyebrows are knit together in worry. He usually sees this expression on him before he dives into painting. Thinking thoroughly about what he wants to draw and or paint first. When he tried to unclasp that thing off of Jeno during Dreamshow. Renjun reaches up to touch his face, checking if he’s sick and Jeno wants nothing than to hold him but he just really might be sick if he remains in contact with Renjun longer.

“You look like shit.” Is what Renjun says and Jeno chuckles with a swift roll of his eyes. _Classic Renjun._

“What time is it?”

“They’re almost done prepping the others. You’re the only one left.”

Jeno rubs the drowsiness away and sits up. It’s only then that he notices the suit Renjun’s wearing, the way his hair is styled to make him look even more dapper, his makeup sharpens his soft features and god, he is so _so_ beautiful.

“Thank you,” Renjun says shyly, cheeks sprinkled in pink, and Jeno realises he might’ve said that out loud and he mentally slaps himself, “But you really need to get your ass over there.”

Jeno does. Wondering how he’s ever gonna fall out of love with Renjun.

 

They get to the ceremony an hour early and it seems, it’s the busiest time for the event. The wedding planner and their staff are running around from the groom’s section to the bride’s, crossing off whatever it is on their clipboards, counting the guests in every table, checking their watches, and talking over their walkie-talkies and whatnot. It’s amusing, Jeno thinks, how much time and work is spent on a ceremony that legalises a love shared by two. He supposes it is how it should be, lawfully and biblically and maybe it should be this extravagant too. But if it were up to Jeno, he’d have things simple. Lavishness not something he wants to zero in. But then again, Jeno might not even marry. Too hung up on a boy who might never even consider him.

They meet the rest of the members of the now 21 membered group, NCT, half an hour before the ceremony starts. They steal everyone’s attention when their greetings for one another get louder as they fill up their section, even Kun, Taeyong and Doyoung gave up. Their managers had to split them up eventually, worried that they might create a ruckus if all 21 of them are together but also because they’re instructed to prevent them from acknowledging each other which admittedly, they all think is bullshit. They all know they’re gonna huddle up soon and the adults, drink their asses off.

Renjun, who is seated infront of him, looks back at him, smiling that pretty excited smile, his dimple showing, mouthing _I’m so excited_

Jeno aches at the thought of another lifetime in which Renjun could’ve said the same thing about _their_ wedding.

 

The reception is without a doubt, wild. With a dancer as a groom, there’s bound to have a lot of dancing in it. There’s a lot of wine too and Jeno is grateful he’s an adult, taking 1, 2, 4 glasses and downing each one with growing urgency and aggression as he looks at Renjun, now across him, laughing alongside China unit, hand on Lucas’ thigh.

“You’re not supposed to be drinking so much,” Doyoung factually says as he sits beside him, taking the glass of wine from Jeno’s hand, “And you’re not supposed to look at Renjun like that.”

Jeno does a sideways glance at Doyoung, sees his facials is that of an older brother looking out for his emotionally wrecked for all of eternity younger brother and Jeno allows himself to be talked some sense into by his favourite hyung.

“I don’t want to be inlove with him anymore, hyung.” Jeno quietly says, a sob forming in his throat, and Doyoung holds his hand, squeezing it in understanding, in worry, in pity, in whatever.

“Love isn’t always peaches and cream as you can see, “ Doyoung starts, carefully choosing the right words for Jeno to understand even in his drunken state, “But it doesn’t have to hurt too. You’re still young Jen, and these are but concepts you still have to tread carefully on in a deeper level of honesty and understanding. You’re still the captain of your shipwreck of an emotion, you know? You still have things under control. Just nurse this first, don’t act on anything until you’ve confronted it fully. Take in as much as you can but don’t let it consume you.”

Doyoung looks up at Jeno, hopeful his words make sense, but Jeno just smiles dumbly. He’s still so inlove with Renjun.

They’re still in the area and Doyoung’s left to take care of Jungwoo now and Jeno’s slowly coming back to sobriety. He looks around, sees his own members, the original Dreamies, chatting animatedly except he doesn’t see one. The one that matters the most.

As if on cue, Renjun’s walking up to him, his gaze already fixed on him so intently and Jeno’s too entranced to look away. There’s a cheeky smile playing dangerously on his lips that Jeno contemplates he should be scared of, walk away from. But when Renjun takes a seat beside him and his sense of smell takes in the familiar combination of lavender and jasmine along with wine, he stays glued to his seat.

“I’m happy.” is what Renjun says, breathless as he looks at the crowd, now smaller in number. His arm is lying on top of his own and if Jeno could, he would intertwine their hands together.

“And not just cause you’re drunk?” Jeno queries, earning him a laugh he figures is meant to be a no.

“I like weddings. Like it when two people realize that they could work out.”

“Doesn’t look like it.” Jeno comments, reminding him it’s not the image he’s made everyone see.

Renjun hums, “But I do. I like love and everything that comes with it. Makes it tangible, makes me real.”

“Even the hurt?” Is this what Doyoung meant when he should be treading on love carefully? It doesn’t sound like it.

Renjun takes a sidelong glance at Jeno, scrutinizing but not in a way that makes Jeno want to take back what he’s said, “It’s a consequence to loving. Not necessarily, but it still makes love, _love._ ”

So Renjun’s an idealist. Jeno doesn’t really get it, but he nods in agreement anyways.

“What do you think? About love?”

“A door.” Renjun quirks up an eyebrow, “And Anna may have already pointed that out but maybe I can elaborate and be concise. It could be what’s behind the door, actually. Or wait. Maybe it’s how I work with the door what determines what I think of love.”

There’s a pregnant pause that follows and Jeno gets nervous, “I’m not making sense, am I? It’s probably the wine. What I’m trying to say is love to me could maybe be letting it in but knowing when to let it out too. That being said, is it still like a door?”

“What if,” there’s a hesitance in Renjun’s voice and Jeno feels the quickening of his heartbeat, “What if I’m behind the door?”

Jeno doesn’t answer as quickly as Renjun was expecting so Renjun lowers his gaze and rests his head on his shoulder.

“I just got divorced with Sicheng and Lucas, “ he says drunkenly, cozying up on him almost, in a way, nuzzling him, and Jeno, despite knowing now’s probably the time to let love out, fills up his senses with lavender and jasmine and way too expensive red wine, “The position's open again. Think you could fill it up, Jen?”

And before Jeno tells him that yes, they could get married now, he’s listening to soft snores.

 

The wedding’s passed for a week as well as what had transpired between Renjun and Jeno, all but a memory when looked back at, could be remembered fondly. Except, only Jeno has the recollection of the latter and it won’t be fondly remembered because apparently, Renjun was too drunk to remember the conversation, waking up the next day and having no need to be awkward around Jeno like he didn’t just ask him to be his husband unlike Jeno, who stayed up all night thinking about how he should act with Renjun. Curse Doyoung for taking that drink away from him. Had he been drunk enough, he wouldn't be able to remember their conversation, he wouldn’t be up thinking about it almost every other night, wondering what all of it could mean. If he should even look into it when Renjun could’ve just said it out of being drunk. He wants to ask for help, someone to make sense of the situation, but he ends up not asking anyone. He’s already complained and talked about Renjun problems way too often to his members. And, if it doesn’t consume him anymore than it already has, he might figure everything out on his own.

He highly doubts it.

 

Renjun’s not really a morning person so when he wakes up chirpier than never, it arouses suspicion. He gets asked about it by Chenle and he answers it’s because of their comeback preparation and Donghyuck’s participation in it which is understandable. The 127 unit have been so busy with the tour and their recent Superhuman comeback they’ve really thought about Donghyuck not participating which scared them because the 00line are graduating this year and they _have_ to be together for a comeback.

Renjun slides beside Jeno, casually, like invading his personal space with his cheery mood is the most normal thing to do.

“I feel like doing something Jen, but I don’t know what it is.” He starts off, confused and hungry for his confusion to be satisfied, “Do you wanna help me out?”

“Do you have options we can choose from?” Jeno locks his phone after absentmindedly scrolling through a WikiHow article about getting sleep.

“Well, there’s painting, cooking, karaoke, dance…? maybe, watch a movie, sneak out somewhere… that’s it.” Renjun’s defeted and it sounds like from the options he’s enumerated, nothing really makes him want to get up and do any of those.

“We could do an ASMR thing?” Jeno suggests and Renjun glares at him to which Jeno only laughs at, not regretting he’s ever said it because Renjun is adorable when he’s annoyed.

“You know what? Maybe we could do it.” Renjun says slapping his thigh in excitement, “You gaming and walking me through that game that got your mom scolding you!”

Jeno smiles brightly, happy his suggestion is being considered, but bitter at the memory, “Because _you_ mentioned in in one of our TMIs!”

Renjun is smiling as brightly as he is, “Because it’s true!”

Jeno groans, giving up and endeared. Not having it in him to continue their little game because he’ll concede to Renjun, always.

Jeno sets up the equipemt as Renjun is doing the same thing for his iPad they’re gonna use to film themselves.

“Don’t you know this game though, Injun?” Jeno asks in realization as he recalls about the time he and Jaemin were playing it.

“No?” It’s easy to spot when Renjun’s lying. Like that episode in Puff where he was blatantly lying about not being the spy, charming Jaemin so easily, which was no fun for Jeno as he watches in the background. He knows he’s lying right now although he doesn’t know why.

“Liar.”

“I really don’t Jen,” Renjun says softly, “When did you even see me play?”

“With Jaemin. Although maybe that was another game. Huh. I’m not even sure anymore.”

“Oh,” Renjun stills, “That’s… yeah. I do know this game. Just not really that much to play it alone but that’s because Jaemin sucked at teaching me. Playing the game for me and yelling the instructions in excitement.”

Jeno nods, jealousy dormant but could very well burst right out of him when prodded, “Why this game?”

“Because you play it” Renjun answers immediately, like it’s the reason why he wants to learn it in the first place. That’s the delusion reasoning out in Jeno’s behalf, “And Jaemin does too. Basically, everyone. Even Kun ge.”

Jeno shrugs, not surprised it isn’t really because of him and at the nonchalant jab at Kun’s age, “Okay. But I’m not good with words so you’ll just have to watch me.”

“What makes you any better than Jaemin if you do that?”

Renjun is adorable when he’s annoyed, “I’ll show you the ropes and I promise to let you play! And you can just sing or talk about shit.”

The smaller boy scrunches up his nose in consideration, “I can sing?”

“By all means.” Jeno says with a curtsy and Renjun gives in.

Their filming ends longer than necessary. Jeno keeps losing and he has Renjun to blame for that for being endlessly annoying throughout the game. Distracting him with his far-fetched commentary of the game Jeno has to get himself killed to laugh. And his singing. God they really were right when they said Renjun had a voice of an angel. He couldn’t even concentrate on the game, preferring he listen to Renjun instead. But he can’t tell Renjun he’s the reason he lost so he allows the teasing that ensues, about how it’s not worth losing sleep to if Jeno can’t even win a single game. Jeno lets him, relishes in the way Renjun talks about him a lot even if it’s just to say how he lost so much he can’t count it with his fingers. He talks about it in the gc too and even if their hyungs don’t know much of what happened, they tell Jeno he’s a loser too and to get better if he plans to think about teaching someone next time. Because it’s out there for everyone to know, he gets a fair number of messages sent privately. Some asking him what he and Renjun are up to and from Donghyuck if they’re boning.

The situation’s so funny at the same time so scary at how it just makes everything unsure. But Jeno, in a really Jeno way, chooses to pay no mind, letting the waves crash figuring that if he resists it, he’ll fall back anyways. Not that he minds. It’s always been that way.

 

Jeno isn’t sure if love’s leaving even when he opens the door.

Jeno really shouldn’t be getting jealous of how his members interact with Renjun. Shouldn’t mind that most of the time, Renjun’s attention are on them.

Like today, they’re in the recording room and Donghyuck and Renjun have been going at it non-stop, be it recording and bantering. The arguments they throw at each other as quick as lightning and sometimes a tad bit too late like thunder when one of them catches the other off guard. The blend of their voices, so perfect, so right and the smiles they exchange when the producers tell them how good they did as sweet as their harmonization.

And then ofcourse, Jaemin swoops in, playing with Renjun and tickling him until Renjun’s on the floor, telling him to stop, and when Jaemin does, Renjun switches their position, lithe and sudden there was no way Jaemin could’ve seen that coming. When they’ve had enough, they’re sprawled on the floor, chests heaving and trying to catch their breath. Jaemin’s elbow is propped up so he’s looking down at Renjun who has already turned towards his direction, looking up at him, smiling, as they talk.

Jeno just watches idly. Chest constricting because he doesn’t really like it when he gets jealous of how much his members are able to spend time with Renjun without the fear of spilling and telling the boy he’s loved him ever since he found it so easy to envelope Renjun in a hug while on a hoverboard as the older says him thanks not without telling him that he still loves Moomin more than him. It’s a given that when you’re with Renjun, everything just falls into place. But those places have boundaries. Lines drawn for him to not cross. Before its being natural tells Jeno that _quick! this is your chance!_ So he never stays for too long. Extracting himself from the situation before he actually does tell Renjun he loves him. So much. Maybe Jeno should just wallow in self-pity when they’re done practicing. Maybe he could just cry his hopeless crush out. See if he can push love out the door, forceful and demanding.

The day ends and they all go home but Jeno stays, tells them their manager has to brief him about The Show and Jaemin squints his eyes to read him better, because of all people, he would know that he’s lying. But he clicks his tongue and lets it pass. Jeno mentally notes to drop by the nearest convenience store to buy him the drink he’s been drinking as alternative to death.

He plays their comeback song in a volume that’ll be too hard ignore outside the walls of their practice room but he really can’t think about that right now. If someone barges in to tell him to tone it down then he will. But until then, its music blaring and Jeno overworking himself.

For a half hour or so, it’s just Jeno alone. For another, he notices movement in his peripheral. He squints his eyes at the figure he mistakenly thought of at first was equipment draped in cloth. Jeno doesn’t believe in ghosts but sometimes, with Renjun’s stories and his incessant claims of ghosts lying around their dorm and their building, he rethinks it. It’s presence soon makes itself know and he sees Huang Renjun walking towards the player to shut id down before walking towards him.

“You done, Jen?”

“Why are you here?”

“I called bluff on your excuse. And are you stupid? Manager went home with us. I didn’t want to go home yet and because I wanted to know why you lied, I stayed around.” Renjun says, composed as he sits down. He looks up at Jeno, tugging on his hand for him to do the same and even in confusion, heart still hammering and Jeno’s ears still ringing and getting accustomed to the quiet, he follows. He’s sweating all over, he realises a little too late so he moves far away from Renjun. The other boy catches it and closes the distance between them, handing him a towel.

“But why?”

It’s quiet at first, save for the only sound from the nearby rooms like a murmur.

“I thought you could use company, is all.”

“But I stayed behind. _Lied._ Because I didn’t want any.” Jeno says slowly, but more to himself. Just trying to make sense of Renjun’s reasons for staying.

“Oh” and there’s an awkward silence that settles before Renjun says, “Should I just go?”

Jeno doesn’t answer and Renjun doesn’t make a move to leave.

The silence that ensues is comfortable now but still should be dealt with caution.

Renjun makes the move. Grabs his hand and laces it with his, giving it a little hesitant squeeze, asking if this was okay to which Jeno squeezes back. _It is._

They hold hands for awhile and Jeno doesn’t understand the mechanisms behind this that allows this to happen but he knows soon enough, the mechanisms will face difficulties. He feels it. And he can only stand by helplessly, not knowing what to do for the gears to start right again.

“Your hands are sweaty.”

“Why don’t we hang out as much, Jun?”

They both look at each other. Renjun’s breath hitches and Jeno knows his hands are only sweating more.

“What do you mean?”

“Do you not like spending time with me?”

Jeno wants to shut up but it’s here. It’s the difficulties. He’s crossing a line, he makes no sense of boundaries.

“Ofcourse I-”

“You don’t have to lie.” Jeno cuts him off. He’s looking at Renjun, sees the way his eyebrows are furrowed, an unfamiliar sight to Jeno who thought he’s see all of Renjun’s expressions, understands what emotion could correspond to it.

“I’m not!” There’s an edge to his voice and he detaches his hands from Jeno, “I’m here now aren’t I?”

“To check up on me” Jeno reminds him, “You don’t really want to be with me unless you feel responsible to”

Jeno doesn’t know how calmly he’s dealing with this on the surface when inside, he’s all fire alarms going off.

“Why are you acting like this?” Renjun puts a distance between them now but his eyes are on Jeno, trying to understand what’s going on, wondering if he could get his answers through his eyes.

“I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” Jeno finally says and he knows soon, he’ll be breaking. Crying so messily and Renjun will be here to witness all of it.

“Feel what?” Renjun asks, genuinely, having no clue that it concerns him. The small sac glows a bright red, it was right in creating a corner for itself in Jeno’s brain. Renjun _is_ dense.

“I don’t want to feel so guarded of my own feelings, don’t want to have to worry all the time where it’s gonna get me and don’t want to have to face the final destination,” Jeno’s saying all of this too fast, pleading, and Renjun just looks at him, confusion etched all over his face and Jeno for a moment thinks he looks good, “I don’t want to look at you like this and still see you as someone who could ruin my life.”

“Jeno. What. Are. You. Talking. About.” Renjun’s pleading now too and Jeno’s not sure if he should succumb now or draw it out longer. Can someone just barge in and tell them they’re being too dramatic for their taste?

“Don’t you see? This is the consequence of loving, Renjun!” Jeno feels he’s getting angry and he doesn’t like it one bit. Maybe he should hold back, do a raincheck and have this conversation next time. That’s stupid. He’s started it, might as well end it, “Do you feel alive in the presence of the consequence to loving personified?”

There are tears in Renjun’s eyes and he’s so angry because _he_ should be the one crying! Not Renjun who knows nothing about the hurt because he’ll never have to look at someone and conjure up universes and lifetimes where he ends up with the love of his life!

“You knocked, so polite, and I let you in. You stayed over, longer than you should’ve and you made a home in me! I tried to get you out, opened the door! But you stayed! You fucking stayed, and you’re still there and I’ve given up trying to make you leave because I don’t even want you to!”

“Jeno-“

“The door! You’re what’s behind. You came in and stayed! You’re love, Renjun!” Jeno’s not yelling but his tone is raised and he’s making a scene. He is not the captain and he feels like he just got pushed to the ocean on a plank.

“You don’t look at me like the way you look at the others. Do you even look at me? Like, _at all?_ You drive me crazy! You hold my hand and you tell me things that makes me think of things I shouldn’t. You hold my fucking hand! Sober or not!”

Renjun’s crying. Not the type where the tears just keep coming but he’s crying.

“God, you’re even beautiful when you cry. I’ve told you that before and you smacked me in the arm. You’re so fucking beautiful in my eyes and I just want a day where you don’t have to look so pretty just so I can _breathe”_

“Do you…” what follows Jeno doesn't hear it, because Renjun’s biting his lips. But just so he could get this over with, once and for all, he answers the question Renjun doesn’t want to ask.

“I’m inlove with you. And I could just leave instead of you, take the fucking door with me, but I’d rather just stay because it has you in it. And I’m just really fucking inlove with you.”

There. He finally says it. Jeno is drained, the extra dancing finally getting to him and he just really wants to go home and not face Renjun for a day..or so.

He’s stood by long enough and the gears will just have to stop working.

“I asked you to marry me.”

Jeno stares at Renjun, not understanding the first real sentence he allows him to say because he’s had his share of the limelight.

Renjun’s walking towards him in a hurry, and there’s anger in his eyes as he stares at him, “I asked you to marry me, Jeno so don’t tell me about not knowing what hurt is, because I asked you to marry me.” And just like that Renjun leaves him rooted in the same spot, laughing at the dumbfounded realization that _fuck, Renjun loves me too._

 

It should’ve been easy to placate Renjun. He gives up his resolves at the mere mention of free food or of a Moomin merchandise. But Jeno doesn’t know why he doesn’t do anything. He thinks it’s because he fears  he won’t do it right. The anger way too big to be settled with by food and Moomin.

He’s laid in his bed and for the first time in a long time, it’s quiet in the dorm. The rest have no idea what exactly happened but they know it’s best to not ask for now, leaving them to their own devices.

Jeno’s always entertained the idea of Renjun liking him back. He loved to think of scenarios where he doesn’t end up in an unrequited love. He was always happy in all of them, some of them, he saw himself crying because _finally, Renjun likes him back._ But there’s not a single one where he thought he’d be hurt even more than he was going through it. Was he dense too? Did Renjun also have that sac dedicated for him wondering of his denseness?

Does Renjun really love him?

He thinks back to the look in Renjun’s eyes he’s never seen before and takes the question back. He and Renjun are at the door now, gesturing for the other to leave but neither of them are budging.

What happens then?

He hears the door to his room open, and he thinks it’s probably Jaemin, always the first one to crack. Not knowing how to help was difficult for him, always wanting for peace amongst everyone.

He smells the lavender and jasmine first before he sees him.

Renjun’s standing by his bed, looking at him and not looking at him. Jeno’s not sure what to do, what he wants, why he’s there, but he moves to makes room for him and Renjun takes this as cue to climb onto his bed and rest his head on Jeno’s chest which he’s sure contained his heart that’s beating erratically.

Renjun doesn’t say anything for a good 5 minutes so Jeno just does it for them.

“What’s going on?” Jeno whispers against the softness of Renjun’s hair.

“I don’t know,” Renjun says, so quietly, and Jeno believes him that he genuinely doesn’t know. He looks up at Jeno, expression unreadable but Jeno is sure to crack in a matter of seconds, “I’d like to just figure it out as we get there.”

Jeno nods. Okay. That could be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> i thought abt tagging this as ambiguous but eh its not exactly open for a lot of interpretations.  
> does it feel like its rushed? bc it is :(((( words r hard i lov every writer on this fandom ugh  
> idk i wont look at this anymore. hahahaha i  
> @jaemrenj on twt!! that i dont even use but whateverr
> 
> as mentioned in the tags, noren r dramatic asf. MARRIAGE? FOOLS! but its headcanon that they are. ugh dramatic losers wtf :(((


End file.
